Japanese Domestic Violence (or “Noriko’s Revenge”)

The fall weather in New Mexico continues – clear, cool, and beautiful.  And with it comes one peculiar feature: I don’t know exactly why, but it is the season of high wasp activity. And that includes their coming into our house…

“I hate wasp!” said Noriko, ducking with excessive drama as one wasp flew vaguely near her in the living room.

“It’s okay, honey.  Wasps don’t sting for no reason; there is nothing to be afraid of.”  Even as I spoke, I knew my words were said in vain.  When Noriko was a child, she had a major episode of being stung by bees in Japan.  And then just two years ago, here at our home in Santa Fe, she was attacked by yellow jackets while gardening out front.  She was stung four times, including one on her eye lid. ( I recall having to teach her the peculiar expression “yellow jacket” at that time.  “Dey big bee.  Not fat like bumblebee but like  long bee…?”)

“It NOT okay,” Noriko said militantly, as she made a move for her now favorite self-defense – the vacuum cleaner.”Dem yellow jacket chase me into house.  After what dey did to me, no wasp in my home,” she said as she picked up the long hose with the special fixture, the one with the narrow ending designed for cleaning upholstery.  The vacuum cleaner started with a whoosh as Noriko began to stalk the wasp.

Our three dogs charged enthusiastically forward, as they have a long tradition of treating the vacuum cleaner as a creature to fight with.  But not this time.  “No!”  declared Noriko, brandishing her weapon.  “Not now.  Wasp fuhst.”  The dogs got the message and sheepishly retreated. Noriko turned to face her foe.

“Dey loves blind, and I love blind too….” Noriko murmured as she poked cautiously, investigatively, amongst the blinds.

“Why is that?  I mean, why do you love the blinds?”

“Because when dey in blind, dey have less room to run,” Noriko said quietly, continuing to search for her target. Suddenly the wasp emerged, and just as suddenly – pfffwwt! – he disappeared, sucked into the tube and down into the bowels of the vaccuum cleaner.  “Vedy good,”  Noriko said.  “Dat numbuh six today.  My productivity vedy good.”

“Number six?  Wow, honey, you don’t fool around do you?  What would the ‘animal rights’ crowd have to say regarding your cleaning practices?”

“Don’t mattuh.  And wasp ain’t animal; dey insect.”

“Well, I’m sure that PETA  must have a special insect branch by now, don’t you think?”

“Don’t care.  Dey sting me like dat – dey got  war.  Let PETA get stung by wasp if dey love so much.”

I couldn’t resist working this angle a bit further. “But what about insect rights?  Don’t you think that insects have rights too?”

Noriko gave me a dirty look.  “No, insect don’t have right.  Dat silly.”  She began to track another  wasp that was circling the living room.  “Well,  put it dis way. Maybe some insect have rights – I nevuh kill spiduh.  I don’t even hurt fly.  But any crittuh dat sting me like dat – dat udduh matter.”  Noriko returned to her favorite hunting ground of the blinds.  “Even wasp can have all duh right they want, OUTSIDE my home.  But dat where I draw line, when dey come IN my home.  Dey got no right in here.  In my home, no wasp, no cockroach, and no mouse. Period.”  Noriko is equally militant against mice and cockroaches, but that would be another tale.

As she spoke, Noriko closed in on  her next victim.  This one, perhaps sensing danger, took flight as her weapon approached, but to no avail, as his launch took him directly into the vacuum zone;  he too was instantly sucked into the guts of Noriko’s execution chamber.  “I have  zero tolerance program for wasp.  Dey should know dat by now.  Dey don’t like, den don’t come into our house.  I not negotiate with wasp!”

Though I was having fun with this theme, I had to admit that there were a lot of wasps coming into the house.  “Hey, honey.  Look – there is one over here,” I said, pointing to the hallway in front of our house.  “Where?”  Noriko was ready for action.  “Oh, ovuh dehr.  I can’t reach,” she said, speaking of the limitations of her cord length.

“Come on, honey, show some tactical flexibility.  Don’t you think you are becoming too dependent on the vacuum cleaner, too one-dimensional as a practitioner?”

“No, I not one dimensional,” Noriko replied, unruffled by my comment as she plugged in an extension cord that solved the problem.  Dehr is ‘one dimensional’, and dehr is doing ting propuhly.  Japanese know – right way ONLY way!” As if to illustrate, she thrust forward with her tool, and  the wasp in the hallway found himself involuntarily relocated, stuff of horror movies, from a wasp’s point of view.

“You see?”  Noriko asked, waving her cleaning fixture triumphantly, like a martial artist with her sword.  “I not ‘one dimensional.’  I know what I doing!”

What could I say?  I had to leave for an appointment at that point, but as I walked away from the house, I heard the vacuum cleaner come on for a few seconds and then go off again….