Japanese Women: Submissive or Passive-Aggressive?

One theme that I have written about at the Noriko’s Tales blog site is apparently titillating to American readers – the notion that Japanese women may be “submissive”. Through satire I have done my best to show different perspectives regarding this belief, both affirming it and challenging it, while pointing to a cultural reality perhaps too complex to capture in a single cultural handle. Are Japanese women “submissive”? The answer, appropriately mysterious, would seem to be both “yes” and “no”.

Recently Noriko and I worked through an experience together which seems worthwhile to present, for once without satire and verbal cartoon-like images. Like most husbands and wives, we went through a period of conflict, of being inter-personally at odds with each other, more intensively that what we are used to. Briefly, I experienced Noriko as being angry, passive-aggressive, looking to blame. When I brought this up, she invariably denied it, pointing to issue X, Y, or Z as the real cause of our conflict of the moment.

Over a course of days, my frustration mounted and my own anger came out.(And mine ain’t passive; it is old-fashioned aggressive!) Isn’t the worse moment for a couple, regardless of cultural backgrounds, when the shadow material of both parties comes out, directed at each other? Isn’t this the ultimate relationship buster?

Fortunately, Noriko and I have been together for 14 years, and we have developed a means to “hold the center” when such human fireworks go off. It isn’t easy, and to describe it would exceed the intention of this post, but somehow we hold things together until each of us can sufficiently decompress, “own our stuff”, and gain insight into ourselves and our relationship dynamics. Then we can each pledge to be more conscious of ourselves (and each other) next time.

When we were finally able to find this “clearing”, Noriko was able to see that in fact she had been behaving passive-aggressively. She was able to tell me things that she was angry about which she had not been able to tell me before, things which had been overlooked and which were gaining a disproportionate emotional charge. As this realization arose, Noriko said that in many ways, she doesn’t feel comfortable asserting herself, as if it is the “wrong” thing to do. And she attributed this very much to the conditioning of the Japanese culture. She acknowledged that it is a pattern so culturally ingrained that at times she can’t see when it governs her actions.

Essentially what she said was that Japanese people are strongly conditioned NOT to voice their needs or feelings, not to speak up when they are uneasy. Instead, they learn to nod, to blend, to go along with, not necessarily fully aware of the described interpersonal/human process. There is a strong cultural taboo against speaking up in the moment if it might risk disharmony with others.

Of course, this is not uniquely Japanese. Many Americans have this conditioning as well, and thus decades ago “assertiveness training” emerged as a fashion. But I think it is fair to say that the Japanese culture is UNIQUELY oriented toward repression of the will of the individual self (male and female), of denial of feelings in the moment. This is no doubt a major contributor to the notion of Japanese women being “submissive”, and as such there is an element of truth to this point of view. And yet at the same time, “submissive” may turn into “passive-aggressive” in a heartbeat. Whereas “submissive” may sound charming to some who fantasize about Japanese lovers, the flip side, “passive-aggressive” is a different matter!

I want to finish by saying that it was Noriko who suggested that I write this post, in a tone of sincerity rather than satire. She was willing to share of our private lives in order to genuinely illuminate this feature of the Japanese society and corresponding nature of the individual. It was her suggestion to raise the question as to whether “submissive” and “passive-aggressive” are really flip sides of the same cultural coin.

If so, then beware to those who long for a “submissive” partner. In the context of fantasy, this feature may appeal, but within the context of a real relationship, we should all wish that our partners – straight or gay, man or woman – grow to where they can artfully express their needs and feelings in the moment. Otherwise beware of the consequences when the coin flips over! : )