Japanese Health Food….?

Regular Tales readers know that Noriko loves to eat, and they should know that she is a great cook as well. Although she prepares all kinds of dishes, her main style is sort of a “Californian-Asian” thing, blending various elements of Japanese, Chinese, and Thai with a “health food” mentality. Noriko has a number of really outstanding dishes, and in another lifetime, maybe she will start her own restaurant. “‘Noriko’s Joint’ – dat what we call it. Informal but good. I stay up front and mingle with customuh….”

(By the way, Noriko has an extraordinarily fancy, customized, stainless steel kitchen, but that would be an entire Tale in itself….)

I used to be a pretty good cook myself, if I may say so. But once Noriko and I started to shack up, she pretty much bulled me out of the kitchen. “I like it dis way, and it must be dat way…..” She took over all the food shopping and the cooking, and before I knew it I had regressed right back to the standard infantile-minded male in the kitchen. “What’s for dinner, honey?” Noriko complains about having to cook all the time but at the same time clearly likes it that way. “My food good. It tastey, look good, quick, and cheap. And it good for you too. Vedy healthy. What more can you ask for?” My sole reply is to dig in!

With this introduction, one day recently I came up from my studio where I was working, catching Noriko off-guard as she was making my lunch. I came into the kitchen and casually looked around while she fussed over a pot of noodles. There on the counter I couldn’t help but see the package of the sauce she was using, and it looked like super-junky, cheap Chinese….. “Health food, honey? Hmmm, this packaging looks interesting…..” I said as I tried to look further at it. Noriko stiffened slightly, but tried to act casual, continuing to stir the noodles. “You don’t need to look at dat,” she said. “It don’t really say nothing…” Indeed, all I could see so far was a bunch of Chinese characters and a photo of some super-junky looking pork dish.

“No?” I replied as I picked up the plastic wrapping and turned it over. “Hmmm, what are the ingredients in this stuff…?”" I asked.

Suddenly, Bruce Lee-like, Noriko’s arm shot out from where she was managing the noodles, a deft move to take back the damaging evidence. But I was too quick and dodged her attack, holding the paper just out of her reach. “Hmmmm, articifical soy sauce flavor, yellow dye #5….” I started. “Honey, THIS is the ‘health food’ you provide for your loving husband?” I was rolling now. Again, more forcefully, Noriko made a bold move to apprehend the evidence; again, I was too quick and retained it. “….artificial flavor, monosodium GLUTAMATE…!! HONEY!!” The last ingredient was too ironic, since Noriko always makes a speech about MSG in Chinse restaurants. “Dey say dey don’t add, but IT IN DUH SAUCE DEY BUY!” Now I could see how she knew that!

Noriko broke into laughter, as her little secret had been revealed, and there was no use fighting it. “No wonder this stuff tastes so good!” I said. “Yes, don’t forget dat; it taste good, right? And I use dat stuff vedy seldom, just for noodle once in awhile. No big deal….” But I wasn’t done yet. “JUNK Chinese dear – how could you do this to me? I thought all that you served was Noriko’s ORIGINAL?” Noriko howled at my last line, but I continued. “JUNK Chinese?” I repeated for effect.

“No,” Noriko replied, her tone of self-assurance regained. “It NOT junk Chinese. It junk JAPANESE! Ha!” She started to shriek with laughter. “Junk chinese even WORSE! You be glad it junk Japanese! HaHaHa!” What more could I say?

“Dehr,” she said matter-of-factly, as she dumped the steaming noodles in a bowl and put the sauce on. “Smells good,” I said tentatively. “It IS good,” Noriko declared, “and it CHEAP so don’t worry about it. It do WONDUH for our budget!” Noriko exited the kitchen in triumph, while I happily began to eat my Japanese noodle dish. Japanese health food vedy good! : )